Mourning Mommy and Me
January 5th, 2007 by JaneThere’s so much talk about the difficult teenage years - difficult for the kids, and for the parents. Mothers in particular may have great challenges to face. Adolescence is a time of endless change, both physical and psychological. The child, who was once a precious, smooth-skinned, mommy-centered doll, begins to grow mature features. Hair starts to appear in places that we once had privy to regularly; and, along with these physical shifts, mommy can seem, to this budding adult, like an annoyance, a reminder of the babyhood from which the teen is quite eagerly working to move away.
Lately, I have struggled with the feelings that my 15-year-old daughter has stirred in me. As she takes joy in growing up – which includes lots of socializing, having more independence, and less and less time with mommy and daddy – I sometimes feel like I am in the midst of a romantic rejection. My daughter’s greatest pleasure used to be that she got to sleep with her father and me. As we were believers in the family bed , I slept in the middle and she and I snuggled like two of the happiest people alive. No matter how much whining or conflict that might have occurred during the day, we always felt that our nights were close, peaceful, and reparative. Today, she’s humiliated to even remember that we all slept together, and says that she certainly won’t do that with her kids when she’s a mother. “It’s too hard to break the habit,” she says. It’s funny she feels that way, because her father and I see her as one of the most secure people we know. She is independent, well defined, and willing to take risks. We have attributed these traits to a variety of factors, but certainly our willingness to offer her this primitive, or primal, kind of security was an ingredient that lead to her stability.
I could list many memories highlighting how we were the center of each other’s universe. And, although it is quite subtle now, in some ways we still are. I know that she is at the center of mine. For her, though, she must experiment with the feelings that she needs me much less than she used to. To move forward, she may even have to feel as if she doesn’t need me at all. And when I push my presence in her face out of insecurity, she may be forced to insensitively remind me that I am getting in her way.
It takes enormous maturity for mothers to see beyond the surface behavior of their rejecting, irritable teenager daughters. The impulse may be to challenge, punish, over-control, preach, teach, and scream – and unquestionably, these behaviors are sure-fire ways to undermine the relationships we have with our teenage daughters.
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January 9th, 2007 at 1:36 am
I have two teenagers myself ages 19 and 17 (going on 18) years old. Your daughter is going through a phase. It is like a preparation for her independence. Or she may be searching for her own identity. Give her some space. The good thing is the phase that she is going through is only ephemeral.
I actually i missed being able to sleep with my daughters during their growing years. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would love to be able to sleep with my them. We did on some nights but with less sleep as we couldn’t stand each other.
Children listen even if you think they are not. And I can guarantee you that she loves you.