a perfectly good life

Do you have a reassuring husband? One who is always eager to offer up advice when you’re worried, and quick to reassure you about whatever is troubling you? If so, I’m sorry to say, your husband may be chipping away at what could be a perfectly good marriage. What seems like an innocent, even loving, act can actually be a subtle way of trying to control you or stop the communication altogether. In essence, when your husband gives advice and offers reassurances, without checking in first to find out if that’s what you’re looking for, it can be a powerfully covert way of simply saying, “shut up, you idiot.”

The other day, I went to my husband in an agitated state, worrying about our daughter. It’s funny - now days later - I have no memory of what I was upset about, but what does take center stage in my memory is that my husband’s reaction to reassure me and to give me advice (”don’t futurize … you’d be so much happier if you could simply stay in the moment) left me feeling isolated and angry. What he said was extraordinarily rational and sound, but it felt like I was being told to shut up and see things clearly (i.e., his way). I have often told my husband that before he launches into the rational, I would love him to take an interest in my irrational state of mind: to show compassion for my angst. When he does, I am able to get beyond those feelings and open up to concrete suggestions.

There is always something very real stimulating our unrealistic fears and worries. For instance, when I was upset about our daughter’s behavior, perhaps I was pasting an unresolved conflict from my own childhood onto her, and simply needed a bit of support to realize what I was doing, and to allow the feelings to pass. If we get acknowledgment for the anxiety that has created our worries, we will then be open to all kinds of reassurance and advice. And, it will feel well-meaning, compassionate and loving.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 8th, 2007 at 9:36 am and is filed under marriage. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.
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