a perfectly good life

My kids tell me stories about their friends who are grounded for not going along with family rules. I’d often think quietly to myself, “I wonder if I am doing something wrong because I can not recall ever punishing my children. Is it because I am just a softy?” I have never been inclined to punish my kids when they disappoint me. That is, not until a few weeks ago.

My daughter knows I expect her to call home when she goes from place to place in the city. (New York can be a scary place!) For the most part, she is responsible and makes the obligatory call. A few weeks ago, she went to meet friends at a diner a few blocks from home, requiring a walk alone in the dark. I reminded her to call me when she got to the diner. After about a half hour, I had not heard from her, so I picked up the phone and called her. “I am so sorry, Mommy” was her greeting as she answered.

Since this was the third time she had forgotten to check in with us in a three-week period, it was too much for me. I told her how angry I was and that a punishment seemed to be in order. In that moment, I finally understood why so many parents use punishments with their teenagers. I felt like I was regaining power as I laid down the law, proclaiming that she was going to do things my way or there would be a price to pay!

I was pleased that she did not put up an argument. (I guess she wondered why it had taken me so long.) I suggested that we talk about the details of her punishment later, and I told her calmly to enjoy the rest of the evening with her friends. It was a great feeling letting her know that I was boss! I thought, “maybe now she will be more reliable. Maybe now she’ll remember that she has parents at home worrying about her while she’s out with her friends having the time of her life!” When she got home, I told her that she would have to stay in one night the following weekend. That wasn’t so hard.

About a week later, my daughter was on her way to play rehearsal and, as usual, she was expected to phone home when she got to school. It seemed to be taking a very long time and I began to worry. I phoned her and asked, “what is going on? Did you forget to call?” She responded immediately that the traffic was horrible and they were just getting to school. I told her that if it took a long time to get somewhere in the future, a call would be a good idea. She agreed, and said goodbye. When I put the phone down I was left with a funny feeling that I had never had before with my daughter. Could she be lying about the traffic so that she would be spared another punishment? It seemed like a possibility and I felt unsettled.

After thinking about the whole concept of punishment over the course of the next few days, I went into my daughter’s room and told her that her father and I had changed our minds. She would not be grounded. A perplexed look crossed her face. I explained that punishing her did not seem like a good way of helping her to remember to call us. I did not want the fear of a punishment to motivate her to remember her worried parents at home. Instead, I preferred that we come up with a way for her to keep in mind how much we love and care about her, and for her to demonstrate her love for us by keeping us in the foreground of her mind. I mentioned that when her father disappoints me, I don’t ground him. If that was how we treated each other, we probably wouldn’t be having too many Saturday nights out together!

We also spoke about the temptation to be dishonest if a simple lie can get us out of hot water. The last thing I want is to put my daughter in a position where she is tempted to lie. I much prefer the truth, and for her to understand how her actions affect me. When I told her this, she told me that she is aware that some kids do resort to lying to their parents when they fear some sort of punishment. She felt relieved about our heart-to-heart, and as we finished, she said, “I love you Mom.” She saw that her father and I gave the dilemma about her punishment a lot of thought. We demonstrated that we were capable of changing our minds. We were still in the position of authority, but we were not using it in a punitive way.

The next time my daughter was on her way out to be with friends, I did something different consciously. I walked her to the door, took her hand, and told her how much I adored her, and how much I wanted her to keep me in her mind until she phoned to say that she had arrived safely. We both smiled, and I got the call within fifteen minutes. Since then, I have been very clear about my expectations each and every time she leaves the house. I make sure that we have some physical contact, and I put into words how much her call means to me. I know it may sound too good to be true, but she has been consistently responsible ever since.

Remembering the revenge and power I felt when I gave my daughter her punishment, I chuckle. Clearly, the thought and effort put into taking her punishment away had a more profound and positive impact on her.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 9th, 2007 at 8:06 am and is filed under parenting. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.
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