Willing To Be Unoriginal Or Downright Stupid
January 31st, 2007 by JaneI am in a horrible mood, and have been for the last few hours. It started when I realized that people are actually reading my blog entries. Some found the entries smart, and even clever (which is scary because now there is pressure to keep up the smart clever stuff!). I don’t know what I was thinking before, as I unselfconsciously wrote my little thoughts and feelings. I never should have allowed my husband to talk me into this project. He is so much braver when it comes to going public with his ideas. I’ve carried a dull nausea and feeling of dread in my stomach around much of the day, and I know I should write something, or that empty feeling will never go away.
And it better be good!
This reminds me of how hard it is to be a student. There were many afternoons and evenings during my teens and twenties as a student when I knew there was something I needed to do, but I did not want to do it. It’s a student’s job to perform and produce the goods, day in and day out. Teachers, peers, and of course parents, stand watching and waiting to see the results. So much seems to rest upon the production, or the lack of production. When a kid is adept at being a student everyone feels great, and generally optimistic, about life and the future. When things go awry for a student, it feels like danger lurks ahead; which makes sense, as warnings come home from teachers, other kids peg the struggling student as not smart, and parents worry what will ever come of Junior. If the condition becomes chronic, the school counselor or even a private therapist may be called in to deal with the onset of depression. All this because a young person is not cut out to be a student.
How complicated … !
So what is it that makes being a student (or having to come up with another inspiring blog entry) so darn difficult? The first thing that pops into my mind is pressure. It’s funny how pressure works, because some would say that it is the pressure to produce that propels them into action. And that’s certainly true for me right now. Without the pressure that I feel right now, I would probably sit down to write a leisurely email to my good friend who lives in Australia, catching her up on the challenges of children and husbands. Or, maybe I would read one of the books piled high next to my bed waiting to entertain, or educate me. But since I made a commitment to write blog entries regularly, I sit feeling burdened to say something profound. The pressure alone has the power to vacuum me of all creativity, leaving my mind barren and me feeling blank.
In order to complete an assignment that we don’t want to do (one that seems bigger than life) there must be two ingredients. First, there must be a payoff. And second, we must be willing to risk being unoriginal and, perhaps, even downright stupid. The payoff in writing this entry is that it provides me with the pleasure of seeing that I can turn nothing (my empty mind) into something (this entry about pressure). Before writing the entry I suffered from dread and anxiety. Now, as my fingers type their way confidently towards the final words of this entry, I have the pleasure of mastery. Maybe I will regain faith in myself as one who can follow through with a difficult task! As an added bonus, I will make my husband happy. He genuinely loves seeing me be successful.
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February 4th, 2007 at 6:07 am
Yes, blogging can create a lot of pressure… My suggestion is to remember that people started reading it because of the way it already is, so there’s no need to change it.