a perfectly good life

How many times do we, as parents, want to get right down at our children’s level of behavior? I would say it happens every day, and often many times a day. When young children are inconsolable, exploding with tantrum after tantrum, we too want to cry and scream with them (or, more often, at them!). When our teenagers are down right mean to us, isn’t it our impulse to be even meaner back? For me, acting as an adult in the midst of the abuse and freewheeling feelings from my children is one of my greatest parenting challenges.

So what keeps a parent in line? Most parents want to improve history by doing a better job than their parents. This is particularly difficult because it is usually one’s impulse to repeat history: If my mother was highly critical and fearful I would make poor choices, and she gave herself license to lose her cool because of these fears, it puts me at risk of behaving the same way with my children.

Another factor that can contribute to parental deterioration is that many of us look to our children for the love that we did not get from our parents. This indulgence is a very big no-no! As a matter of fact, giving in to those impulses can, and probably will, get us exactly the opposite of what we want. Kids have a sensitive antenna for neurotic behaviors, and that is probably a good thing. When a parent is motivated by the need to be loved, it becomes about the parent and not about the child. What kid wouldn’t be able to pick up on this?

The other night I approached my 15 year-old daughter with all kinds of good intentions, but what I got was a real crappy exchange. She had just come home from a school event, and she brought four of her good friends with her. They were going to hang out briefly, before going off to their next activity. I was thrilled to see her and her friends. I am a very social person, and I like to have time to bond with her friends (I pride myself on being one of the favorite mothers). Danger zone! I was having a good time, but my daughter was becoming irritable and began treating me poorly. Before you know it, I uttered a bit of information that I thought was innocuous, but for some reason, she didn’t want to talk about at that moment. To my surprise, she lost it, and went yelling to her father to “Get her to stop!”

I was shocked, and almost had trouble taking her outburst seriously. I left the room immediately (with my tail between my legs). She quickly left for an evening out with her friends. A short time later, she phoned to apologize for being “so mean,” and went on to explain that I embarrassed her in front of her friends. I felt ashamed of myself that I had been so unaware of how I was affecting her. I told her immediately that I was sorry. She accepted my apology and we said goodbye.

I thought that we were feeling better. I know that I was, but when she got in that night, she told me harshly that she was still angry about what had happened between us. I went to bed perplexed, and woke up the next morning with a heavy heart. I was furious that she had treated me so poorly, and I wanted to scream at her to let her know that I was tired of the constant barrage of hurtful criticism. I didn’t think I could stand it another minute. I really wanted to let her have it!

Instead, I wrote this email to her:

Dear ___,

I want to talk to you in a way that helps us both stay open to each other’s feeling and experiences of what happened last night. I know I embarrassed you in front of your friends, and that is the last thing that I want to do to you. I would find it very helpful if you could tell me more about why I upset you as I did, because if I understand what goes on for you, I might be more sensitive to you. I am willing to be more mindful of my actions, and that is something that I am always working on in myself.

I don’t want us to be hurtful to each other and it would be nice if we could have a heart-to-heart and feel free to say what needs to be said in a constructive, productive way. Please trust that I want to understand you better, and I am willing to do what makes you feel that I am completely on your side.

I love you and hope for better understanding.

Love,

Mommy

I was delighted that, after my daughter read the email, we had a productive discussion that ended in kisses all around. All because I fought off my impulse to scream!

This entry was posted on Friday, February 2nd, 2007 at 7:37 am and is filed under parenting. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.
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