Baby Steps In The Challenge Of A Conscious Life
February 8th, 2007 by JaneThe feeling “I should be doing more” is epidemic in our accomplishment driven culture. As I was deciding between a shower before making the bed and a 15-minute yoga workout (where I’d make sure to squeeze in a few minutes to work on the full lung breathing I am trying to perfect so the wheezing from my allergies might improve) I worried that I might not be leaving enough time before my first patient of the day. So, I chose to give myself a break and see a few patients before showering. I wanted to practice my yoga and breathing in a more peaceful context. If there is a psychological component to my allergies, it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to unravel this one! It is strange that the rapid, seemingly productive start of this busy morning left me with the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough.
My patients work in a variety of careers, ranging from artists to stockbrokers to teachers. I have noticed they often experience feelings of yearning, with a tinge of anguish mixed in, if they have not had a creatively productive day. It’s not unlike constipation: there is something inside us and it’s supposed to come out! How many of us walk around with filled colons? People we meet throughout the day might never guess we are so full of shit. We look and act just fine. The artist not producing, the mother not connecting, or the athlete not moving, is guaranteed to feel like crap. The work is in knowing how to overcome the resistance to getting what we want. To continue with the constipation analogy, most of us know that a diet low in fiber, low in exercise, and high in sugar is apt to create a constipated state of affairs, but our compulsion to continue destructive habits is quite powerful. Taking the easy, undisciplined road will, sooner or later, cause us great pain. Unfortunately, it is usually a disaster that calls us to attention. When something goes terribly wrong, we might finally be forced to take a look at our familiar, yet destructive, habits.
I don’t think many would argue that people cling to familiar and comfortable behaviors. Even when comfortable ways bring uncomfortable results, it is a natural tendency not to change. It’s as if we have a deep seeded conflict about life and death. While we run from pleasure to pleasure, we might actually think we are happy. I am reminded of the rotting bananas in my fruit bowl, sitting day after day, getting sweeter and sweeter; but eventually the sweetness turns dark and bitter, and we have to toss them. We think we love life, and we do, but we sure don’t want to turn into a rotten banana!
Overdoing and over pleasuring may be related to a general tendency in people to avoid having a wide range of feelings. Some of us are only willing to feel “good,” and generally avoid the more complicated feeling states that involve pain, struggle, and ambivalence. Even those of us working ourselves to the bone with twelve hour work days, followed by family time and a regular run in the park, could be guilty of structuring ourselves to death. There is malignant comfort built into the over produced life.
The first step in eradicating this silent killer is to notice the pattern. We want to outgrow our own unconscious ways by working to make our destructive patterns (that feel so comfortable and automatic) less comfortable and more conscious. Without this crucial step there is no hope for change or health. One of the books on my bedside is called "Science of Breath"
In this case, breathing falls back under control of primitive parts of the brain, and an unconscious realm of the mind where emotions, thoughts and feelings, of which we may have little or no awareness, become involved and can wreak havoc with the rhythms of our breath. The breath may become haphazard and irregular when we lose conscious control of it.
How profound that losing awareness of a function utterly required for life - breathing - can “wreak havoc” with our well being. No one can be aware all of the time, but to be unaware all of the time is a recipe for disaster. Yes we can earn lots of money, yes we can raise college educated children, yes we can live with our spouses for thirty years, but when these accomplishments are achieved without much thought, question and consciousness, it will be fraught with an insidious emptiness or a painful despair. It is being aware that allows us to make room for those moments, hours or days of creativity. Creativity in our work, our relationships, or our play, brings a dimension of pleasure to life, which makes us feel like we are not full of shit. What a relief!
For those reading this entry, please go about the next twenty minutes with a mindfulness of your breath, your thoughts and feelings, and simply notice what it is like. Then think about how you might like to express something that feels uniquely like you, in a creative way. It could be as simple as folding your messy clothing that has been on the bed all morning, or it could be as complicated as writing a piece of music for your best friend’s wedding. It doesn’t matter, just try to move yourself in a new way. I bet you will feel a little better. You probably won’t be saying to yourself, “I think I should be doing more.”
Remember, this is a baby step in the long challenge of a conscious and rewarding life.
