a perfectly good life

I love rollercoasters. Tension increases with each “click-click” of the chain that pulls me up the first peak, until neither the car I’m in nor my heart rate can get any higher. Plummeting down the other side, the release is so great that I have no control over the hysterical screams that emanate from the deepest core of my being. In the end, thanks to the skill of the physicists who designed the ride, I emerge unharmed, feeling victorious and eager to experience it all again. Five tickets for exhilaration: it always seems like a fair price.

It’s not been nearly as much fun riding the thrill rides of my emotions. I’ve spent a lot of time in my internal theme park, stuck on rides I neither chose nor controlled. If the outside world accepted me, it was like I was handed five free tickets and a trip to the front of the line. Life was a fantastic rush. Nothing could stop me. I felt in charge of my life, and I was happy. The problem is, the outside world is not always so generous. It can withhold the valuable tickets even when we deserve them; or worse, it can send us straight into the eeriest haunted house. When I didn’t get the validation I craved from the outside world, I felt hopeless and worthless. I was stuck in the hall of mirrors, trying to find my way out, constantly confronted by a distorted image of myself. I believed what I saw, and it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Life is a complicated maze, and I have worked very hard to find my way through it. I understand now that success and my self-worth is not defined by my accomplishments. If I’ve written a screenplay, directed a film, or jotted down a simple blog entry, I am no longer defined by how the outside world evaluates them. I am the same person whether the work receives accolades or rotten tomatoes. Now that my self-esteem comes from knowing who I am, I can enjoy validation from the outside world for what it is: a temporary thrill ride that will always end. But more important, I can find the energy to keep going when the world isn’t clamoring at my door to shower me with appreciation. I keep going because I love the work, not the rewards.

It’s nice to go through life feeling in control, and good about what I do, no matter how the world views me. If I want a thrill, I’ll go to Six Flags.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 20th, 2007 at 10:43 am and is filed under attitudes. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.
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