The Mindful Marriage
March 5th, 2007 by JaneWhy is it that husbands and wives often take on roles that can be, and usually are, destructive to their marriage? Jokes about wives being back seat drivers, and husbands refusing to be driven by their wives, are symbolic looks at what is a much deeper issue. The wife who feels unsafe and compelled to control is usually a person haunted by anxiety about life. She has difficulty relaxing as a passenger because it is likely that she feels her own life is out of control. Maybe at some point in the relationship she inadvertently handed the wheel of her life over to her husband, and she is left feeling unsettled because of it.
This is a complicated dynamic. It is not unusual for couples to merge with each other because initially it feels so darn good. Unfortunately, what tastes sweet at the start often turns sour after time. The caring, take-charge kind of guy might make his partner feel loved and secure in the beginning. He may give her the feeling that, with him, everything will be OK. More often than not her original family was not a stable, secure place, and in the marriage she feels taken care of for the first time. It backfires when she surrenders herself to her spouse in such a way that she stops taking care of herself.
Often husbands find themselves in the metaphoric driver’s seat because they actually feel safer being in charge. Taking the wheel can provide one with a sense of competence and control as well as serving as a barrier against one’s own vulnerability. Just as it is not in the wife’s best interest to surrender her abilities to her husband, it is also damaging to the husband to camouflage his frailties in compulsively competent behavior.
So what is a good prophylactic measure for couples to take in order to avoid falling into these familiar traps? The answer is easy to say, but near impossible to do and takes a lifetime to successfully implement. Both husband and wife must make a commitment to living with a three dimensional mindfulness. The first dimension involves acquiring skill at keenly observing one’s feelings and perceptions. By closely watching, there is a distinct separation from the feelings, and thus the feeling itself will not invade every molecule of one’s being. When overtaken by feelings, one surrenders the self to the emotional state. There is nothing healthier than knowing what one feels and feeling perfectly accepting of all feelings. Having feelings and striking out with them are in two completely different ballparks. This means that close observation of feelings is to watch, and not necessarily become the feeling. It is almost impossible for most people to accomplish. When we have a feeling, most often there is the impulse to relieve oneself with a discharging or expression of the feeling. Being mindful and skillful about what one is feeling and knowing whether it will be in the best interest of the relationship to express the feeling is the first dimension of a mindful marriage.
People instinctively crave understanding, especially when arguing. Frequently, the craving to be understood in the midst of conflict results in exactly the opposite. Consumption with being understood is essentially an act of self-indulgence and will guarantee isolation and frustration for all parties. In the long run, it will be enormously more gratifying to focus on, and to explore the perceptions of our spouse, rather than to give into our narcissistic drive to get our own point across; to be understood. The second dimension of a mindful marriage is to detach from the compulsion to be understood, and to invest in understanding our partner.
Another useful tool in successful relationships is to be aware that when we are with our spouse, (or with anyone at all for that matter) we are also with their original family to some extent. This means that when a couple is fighting, there are probably more than simply two people in the room. There may be emotional styles of many past generations haunting the arguing couple. If one partner comes from a very contained, rather repressive family, and the other partner has roots in an explosive volatile climate, then their arguments may be charged with not only the superficial content of the conflict, but also with deep-rooted differences in approach and expression. It is important to keep in mind the third dimension of a mindful marriage, which is to be aware that we are not just married to one person, but to the entire culture of our spouse.
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