a perfectly good life

Why is it that husbands and wives often take on roles that can be, and usually are, destructive to their marriage? Jokes about wives being back seat drivers, and husbands refusing to be driven by their wives, are symbolic looks at what is a much deeper issue. The wife who feels unsafe and compelled to control is usually a person haunted by anxiety about life. She has difficulty relaxing as a passenger because it is likely that she feels her own life is out of control. Maybe at some point in the relationship she inadvertently handed the wheel of her life over to her husband, and she is left feeling unsettled because of it.

This is a complicated dynamic. It is not unusual for couples to merge with each other because initially it feels so darn good. Unfortunately, what tastes sweet at the start often turns sour after time. The caring, take-charge kind of guy might make his partner feel loved and secure in the beginning. He may give her the feeling that, with him, everything will be OK. More often than not her original family was not a stable, secure place, and in the marriage she feels taken care of for the first time. It backfires when she surrenders herself to her spouse in such a way that she stops taking care of herself.

Often husbands find themselves in the metaphoric driver’s seat because they actually feel safer being in charge. Taking the wheel can provide one with a sense of competence and control as well as serving as a barrier against one’s own vulnerability. Just as it is not in the wife’s best interest to surrender her abilities to her husband, it is also damaging to the husband to camouflage his frailties in compulsively competent behavior.

So what is a good prophylactic measure for couples to take in order to avoid falling into these familiar traps? The answer is easy to say, but near impossible to do and takes a lifetime to successfully implement.

Do you have a reassuring husband? One who is always eager to offer up advice when you’re worried, and quick to reassure you about whatever is troubling you? If so, I’m sorry to say, your husband may be chipping away at what could be a perfectly good marriage. What seems like an innocent, even loving, act can actually be a subtle way of trying to control you or stop the communication altogether. In essence, when your husband gives advice and offers reassurances, without checking in first to find out if that’s what you’re looking for, it can be a powerfully covert way of simply saying, “shut up, you idiot.”

The other day, I went to my husband in an agitated state, worrying about our daughter. It’s funny - now days later - I have no memory of what I was upset about, but what does take center stage in my memory is that my husband’s reaction to reassure me and to give me advice (”don’t futurize … you’d be so much happier if you could simply stay in the moment) left me feeling isolated and angry.

When your wife comes to you upset about something, and you see a quick way for her to feel better, she’d be crazy not to want to go there, right?

Wrong.

It took me a long time to realize (and believe me, I continually fall back into the trap) that solutions to problems are rarely what women want. Here’s a quick course in how to help your wife or girlfriend when she’s upset:

1. Realize that she really is from another planet . Women are wired differently from us, and the sooner we all recognize the fact of the matter, the better.
Continue reading “Reassuring Husbands, Unite!”